Life marches
Its pace
Unyielding
Indiscernible whisper
“Be still”
Pauses my step
Before I’m swept away again

Never ending treadmill
Be still
Persists
Deaf ears refuse to hear

Exhausted
Weary
Plodding under an
Unrelenting whip of a dictator
Be still
Pleads
Forcing itself to believe heard

Screech to a halt
Tumble to my knees
Unable to carry on
Though life demands me rise

Rivers flow
From bloodshot eyes
I raise my head
A fire ignites in my soul
Embers bursting into flame
Be still
My new mantra
I soldier forth
Reveling
Solitude
Crashing
Peace
Rippling
Emanating from my innermost depths
Joy

Standstill

Both immovable in our own ways

We stare at each other

Unsure what to do

He stands firm

His stance weighed down

By concrete

He never poured

Terrified

One step in a different direction

Would disrupt everything

He holds dear

I cry out in anguish

Scars manifesting on my heart

Rejection’s searing pain

Instigating the construction

Of a fortress

Securing my heart

Yet severing all connection

With my son

Minutes

That seem like hours

Pass into oblivion

Resolving to become

The mom my son needs

I yield whatever rights I had

I take his hand

Together

Two broken people

Attempting to be

Family

Wounding each other

Loving each other imperfectly

Walking through this life together

Through deep pain

Contrasted by radiant joy

One step at a time

Emotions overwhelm

Leaving me depleted and flat

I look for the sun and cannot find it

The angst of bitterness overcomes

I cry out in rage “Why have you abandoned me?”

Hopelessness radiates through my soul

Gray days upon gray days perpetuate

A deep depression that I cannot thwart

I sink into oblivion

An arm reaches down

Encircling my waist

Pulling me towards the light

I blink

Realizing I was searching for the Son, not the sun

Nothing can hinder His glory

I shield my eyes, look down

Whispering “I’m sorry.

Help me to trust You more”

He smiles

“My child, you are not the sum of your mistakes.

Simply follow the path I have created for you.”

The lump in my throat disintegrates

I nod

Harden my resolve and

Journey onto the path my Father wrote

One step at a time.

Time continues on

A train racing to its destination

As we hold on for dear life

Praying we find a stop somewhere along the way

But one never comes

Overwhelmed

Exhausted by continually treading water

Barely keeping my head above water

Yet another wave crashed over me

I drop beneath the surface

My body a sinking anvil

Darkness overcomes

Someone grabs me before I plunge too deep

Child I am not finished with you yet.

My limp body is gently laid on the shore

My Creator Who formed me in my mother’s womb

Breathes new life into these lungs of mine

Light floods my senses

A sense of purpose renewed

I rise

Take hold of my Father’s hand

Together we journey into

Tomorrow’s radiant promise.

A deep quiet settles in my being 

But not one of peace 

Flat emptiness pervades my soul, 

Sinking, settling into my bones. 

I can’t escape it 

It fights persistently for dominion. 

I give in, chilled by mournful melancholy

Checking out of life’s existence. 

I hear my children ask after me 

But it doesn’t stop the spiral I’ve begun. 

Joy vaporizes and I feel the chill of numbness 

Take control 

Mindless videos entertain for a short while but soon become dull

My daughter approaches asking, 

“Are you better now?”

I give a weak smile and say, “Not really.”

I can’t escape this pit I’ve fallen into. 

But there is One Who can save me 

From this endless night

He reaches down from lofty heights 

His love carves the path from on high 

He smiles and holds out His hand 

Grace and mercy radiate from His countenance 

He lifts me out of the mire

Setting my feet on solid ground 

So I can now delight in my children and 

Rejoice in His glorious light.

Homesick
Heartsick
Feelings of guilt plague my soul
Something must be wrong with me.

But I am who God created me to be
Perfectly imperfect
Invisibly scarred by my own hand
Guilt and shame ricochet through my brain
Suffocating my mind and soul
Choking out any light that attempts to take root
Fostering a bleak existence
Consumed by darkness my demons emerge
Shooting arrows that pierce my heart
Its mangled form unrecognizable
Dripping blood from every puncture
Till only suicidal ideation remains
Convinced that I am better off dead.

That is a LIE
My husband loves me and yearns to hold me
My children melt down in my absence
My family’s love enables me to keep pressing on
Playing peekaboo with my baby girl
Her smile flashing like a shooting star
Reading Dr. Seuss with my four year old
He sits quietly repeating some of his favorite phrases
Cherishing the baby laughs that peal and toddler mimics as the mockingbird that tormented our cats
Struggling to see myself from my children’s’ point of view
An exquisite creation made to love
Feeling their sorrows and joys with every fiber of my being
Learning to reach my full potential of who Christ created me to be as a mother, daughter, sister, friend
Thriving not simply surviving
Walking in grace one day at a time.

Down

Down 

Down 

I drift as a leaf 

Flutters to the ground in Fall 

Destined to wither away 

And die. 

The darkness envelopes me 

As I avoid the light 

Withdrawing into 

The depths of my despair 

Forsaking my community 

I crouch in my solitary cocoon 

All alone,

Hopeless 

In a pitch black tunnel that has no end. 

Suddenly, light pierces the darkness 

I shrink back 

Squinting in the brightness 

A small form, like a cherub, approaches 

He beholds me, 

A twinkle in his eye,

A mischievous grin on his round, little face.

The sweet imp reaches up

And grabs my hand 

Holding fast 

With a grip that will never let go

He looks at me and I at him 

Inhaling deeply 

We retreat from the darkness 

And revel in the glorious light.

Mamas! Do you ever feel that being a mother of littles is a chore? That having little ones around makes it impossible to get anything done? I’ve been there… more than I’d like to admit.

I’ve been participating in a women’s Bible Study recently, and Titus 2 talks about our role at home. Now I know not every mama has the desire or the means to stay at home with their children. This is by no means passing judgment on those who don’t stay home…. it’s simply my thoughts, coupled with my heart to be at home with my 22-month old son.

As I pondered last week’s lesson a few days ago, I was struck by a realization, which let me tell you… is the beginning of a healthy change of my way of thinking. I have often been frustrated… particularly when my little man won’t nap or is extra clingy on a given day…why? Because it prevents me from getting “anything” done. And maybe you mama’s have figured this out already, and I’m late to the game… but as a mama, I realized… He is my job… not to be negative… but he’s where my focus needs to be! Yes, yes, I know there’s other things involved in being a homemaker, but embracing raising my son as the main purpose of where I am in this phase of my life is an absolute game-changer.

About 3 months after my son was born, I naively thought, now things can start going back to normal, and I can go back to accomplishing what I used to be able to do. Yep… I can hear you laugh… and it doesn’t bother me because I laugh at my naïveté too. 😂 But this is my new normal, and now my son is no longer an interruption… he is my purpose… and even in two days it has changed things. Do I still get stressed and frustrated? Absolutely! Do I want to bang my head against the wall over my son’s repeated behaviors that I don’t understand… yep, sure do! But by God’s Grace, I am more understanding… and spending more time with him makes him less clingy (I know there will still be days when he’s super clingy/fussy)…

So, Mama, take this as encouragement… I definitely don’t have it all figured out… but cherish your littles because they grow up way too fast. You’re doing great! God’s guiding you in His best plan for you, and there’s no other place I’d rather be.

With Love, Beth

The faith of a child never fails
To amaze my world-worn soul.
My son reaches out and takes my hand
Trusting me implicitly

Though moments arise when he’s afraid,
They pass relatively quickly
As sunsets fade in dusk
And everything is again
Right in his small world.

A contented little elf,
Who never fails to remind
That life is grand, and how much
There is to be grateful for
Even the most simple things
This life can afford.

Lord, help me to be
More like my small son
For many days I waver and allow
The tumult of this life
To overwhelm me to despair.

But, You in Your omniscient care
Walk faithful by my side.
Give me grace
To place my hand in Thine
And tread this path together
In this journey we call life.

 A chill rides the air;
Skies grow grayer
With no impending storm.
Signaling the arrival of change
As Autumn saunters in.

God’s paintbrush glides along the trees
Painting leaves in vibrant shades  
Catch the eye
As ladies dressing for a fancy ball
Wearing dresses made of scarlet and gold.
Gayly dancing
Twirling
Floating down until they touch the ground.

The leaves crunch underneath my boots
My eyes take in the view
My heart overflows with gratitude
Acknowledging the ingenuity
Of our Creator God